Are you confused or conflicted within the constraints of our current cultural climate? What started as an extended Spring Break has turned into a chaotic hibernation isolation.

Entertaining doubt, exploring controversies, and engaging in heated debates have become the pillars of an ordinary day.

Weary feels understated for the current condition of my soul. Layers of my soul are being aggravated and exposed because of what is going on in our world. Confused seems to be the layer just underneath the weariness. Going a little deeper, sorrow and anxiety can be found. Under that—a little girl who wants to be good, do good, and be right.

Early in life, I equated being good and right with being lovable. Can you feel the weight of the requirement of a flawless performance? Unfortunately, that is a burden to heavy to bear, so not meeting the goal always led to weariness, and so the cycle of performance repeated again and again.

A world of ideas and dreams exist inside of me that no one may ever know because the little girl learned to reach for rightness over all else. She associated being right and being good with being loved. She swallowed the warnings, stuffed the insight, and settled for being a good girl who didn’t cause trouble. That little girl became lost, and now she is fighting to come up for air.

A skewed perspective, compounded with trauma, kept a tight grip on me for many years. Fear routinely shouted at me to sit down, be silent, and disregard long imagined dreams. The circumstances of a pandemic and racism are surfacing layers of fear I have long entertained and attempted to ignore.

Do you understand the tight grip of fear and the performance trap? Does this season have you weary or discouraged? Weariness, pain, trauma, and fear don’t own us. Although we often subjugate ourselves to their ownership, we are free to move on.

You are loved as you are.

I am loved as I am.

Scripture is my truth source, so I let the following words wash over me anew.

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness.”

“He brought me out to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

I will situate myself under the shade of God’s love today. I do not have to have all the right answers.

He is not waiting for me to be good enough. He receives me just as I am. In the spacious place there is room for my voice, ideas, and dreams. There is room to inhale perfect love and exhale all the hard things. This is the difference between earning love and receiving it, and in a season where I can’t fix all that is broken, I can be filled up, so I have something to pour out. Afterall, leading with love requires being filled with love–first.

If you need me, I will be sitting in the shade of God’s mercy and love. I will save you a spot.  

Alyssa ❤